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Live-Blogging the First Presidential Debate of 2012: Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!!!!!

The campaign season is long, and it’s sometimes feel as if it’s a chore to slog through it.  Tonight, that all changes*!  The first presidential debate is at 8 p.m., asiangrrlMN time, and it’s gonna be off the hook, yo!**  Two men will enter Thunderdome, and ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE IT!  In this corner, we have the Islofascist strong-armed wimp from Kenya, President Barack Obama!  ::Wild cheers from the crowd::  In this corner, we have the Romneybot2012, all oiled up and ready to go!  ::Wild cheers from exactly nobody::  Tonight’s topic – domestic policy!  No, Mitt, that doesn’t mean whether or not you’ve hired undocumented workers to mow your lawn!  Chill the fuck out, man.  Sheesh.

Tonight’s debate will be hosted by PBS’s Jim Lehrer, so at least I most likely won’t be tempted to prod him with my rusty pitchfork™ as he lies, blusters, or spouts Republican talking points.  Hell, I may manage to make it all the way through this debate.  You can watch on any of the major networks, or you can live-stream it at YouTube, which is what I intend to do.  C-Span will also have the live-stream, and I’m using it as my back-up if YouTube fucks up on me – which, let’s face it, it probably will.  You know what?  I’ll probably just start with C-Span and use YouTube as a backup, come to think of it.  There.  Glad I got that settled.  I hear tell that it’s also live-streaming at AOL, but, really, AOL still exists?  Does anyone know or care?  Surely we can all agree on this!

I can feel the tension bristling in the air as Twitter is all agog over tonight’s debate.  Will Obama manage not to roll his eyes at Romney’s lies?  (Drink!)  Will Romney try to tell an awkward story that makes him seem human and fail miserably?  (Drink!)  Will Romney finally lose it and call the president a ni-CLANG! (Bottoms up!) Speaking of drinking, I haven’t quite decided on the drinking game for tonight.  The Maddow Blog found some amusing BINGO cards that might do the trick, but I prefer my drinking games more insidious and potentially more deadly***.

(Click for more from the Thunderdome)

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Shit! I Have to Tidy Up the Place for Yet Another GOP Herp-Derpbate! – Now with Bonus Chirpstory!

Update!!!  My esteemed colleague, Ian, has put together a chirpstory – the best tweets of the debate – for the GOP herp-derpbate, and I have embedded the code below, right before I begin live-blogging the debate.  Enjoy!

*yawn*   *shuffle, shuffle, stop*  *peers around and tightens robe*

What the fuck are you doing here?  The hell?  Another debate, you say?  It’s been so nice not having to listen to the GOP presidential candidates blather on and on and on and on and – do we have to do this again?!?  Oh fine.

*flounces to the computer and thunks down*

*drums fingertips on the keyboard, producing gibberish, which is still more intelligible than anything any of the GOP candidates might utter tonight*

The GOP herp-derpbate is taking place in Arizona tonight with CNN’s John King moderating.  He got clowned on by Newt Gingrich the last time he moderated, so expect King to get some of his own back tonight.

What will be on tap?  I have a hunch Romney will be asked about a certain local, hypocritical, blackmailing de-closeted sheriff.  Santorum will definitely be asked about his holier-than-God attitude in deciding who is a Christian and who is not.  By they way, Ricky, have you read Matthew 1: 1-5?  Fascinating scripture.  Really.  Or, as I like to say, don’t start none, won’t be none.  I have no idea what will be asked of Ron Paul, nor do I particularly care.  Is it just me, or has he fallen completely off the radar lately?  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer crank if you ask me.  As for Newt, the less said, the better!
(Click to snark at the herp derpbate with me!)

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Romney's Anti-Detroit Op-Ed, Translated

Romney op-ed: U.S. autos bailout ‘was crony capitalism on a grand scale’

[This promises to be dramatic: The Kraken of Krony Kapitalism, Revealed by our Intrepid Romney! I can hardly wait!]

By Mitt Romney

[Guess again, Willard]

I am a son of Detroit.

[If Mitt Romney is a son of Detroit, then that means George Romney is not his father!]

I was born in Harper Hospital and lived in the city until my family moved to Oakland County.

[He’s afraid to say Bloomfield Hills, the very affluent suburb.  Cough, White Flight, cough.]
(Click for more Mitt Romney, unplugged)

What the Hell? Another GOP Debate?: Live-Blogging the Final Four with Added Bonus – the Chirpstory

Welcome to January Jackassery and the Final Four!  There are half the candidates with twice the dog-whistles.  Cage match, TO THE DEATH!  Four men will enter the ring, and…um, four men will walk out*.  But, but, but, three will be bloodied** if unbowed, and ONE MAN WILL BE DECLARED THE WINNER. What is foremost on my mind for this monumental event is this:

Really, GOP?  Another debate?  What the fuck are we going to learn that we don’t already know?   Or rather, to which new low will the candidates – and audience – sink?  Will Newt Gingrich promise, to wild applause from the audience, to return to the good old days of slavery?  Will Rick Santorum vow to personally check the home of every gay man to ensure that there is no frothy mixture left behind?  Will we see angry Mitt slip out from beneath the carefully-polished veneer?  And, if we do, can we please please please have Mitt saying, “You won’t LIKE Mittens when he’s angry!” before punching Gingrich in the nose?  Will Ron Paul strip to his onion belt and start chanting, “Gold standard now and forever, bitchez!!!!” while throwing gold doubloons at the other candidates, the moderator, and the audience?
(Click if you’re ready to rumble)

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