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New Stupidly-Written Law in Florida is Stupidly-Written — Bans Sex?!

People this stupid shouldn’t even be having sex.

The Florida legislature passed a poorly-written law meant to address bestiality (because apparently Floridians are shagging gators or whatever) but which seemingly bans sex between humans.

The law states:

An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices; providing an effective date.

Now for those of you who paid attention in grade school science class, you know that humans are animals. You can even look it up on your computer machine:

Yes, humans are animals. The human’s phylum is Chordata (vertebrate). The human’s class is mammalia. It’s [sic] order is primate (the same as apes). It’s [sic] family is Hominidae (apes that have no tail and can gather food with their hands.) The Human’s sub-family is Homininae. It’s [sic] tribe is Hominini. It’s [sic] genus is Homo and it’s [sic] specie is scientifically named Homo Sapiens.

Accordingly, prohibiting sexual contact or conduct with an animal prohibits sexual contact or conduct with a human.

Derp.

As noted by Southern Fried Scientist:

So if you’re living in Florida on October 1, 2011 and would like to have sexual intercourse with a consenting adult, please check with your veterinarian or local livestock breeder first to make sure you abide by ”accepted animal husbandry practices, conformation judging practices, or accepted veterinary medical practices.”

Now whether the law was simply unfortunately worded, or whether the Florida Senate is chock full of creationists who thinks God plopped us on earth 6,000 years ago, it is plain that there are some serious shenanigans afoot in Florida. Per the yoozsh.

Notably, in the definitions associated with the statute, the word “animal” includes “every living dumb creature” and the world “person” includes corporations and their agents and employees:

828.02 Definitions.–In this chapter, and in every law of the state relating to or in any way affecting animals, the word “animal” shall be held to include every living dumb creature; the words “torture,” “torment,” and “cruelty” shall be held to include every act, omission, or neglect whereby unnecessary or unjustifiable pain or suffering is caused, except when done in the interest of medical science, permitted, or allowed to continue when there is reasonable remedy or relief; and the words “owner” and “person” shall be held to include corporations, and the knowledge and acts of agents and employees of corporations in regard to animals transported, owned, employed by or in the custody of a corporation, shall be held to be the knowledge and act of such corporation.

It’s rather arcane that the phrase “dumb creature” references non-human animals, don’t you think? Who wrote these definitions and, more importantly, were they written circa Helen Keller? It’s bizarre.

Moreover, I think we can all agree that Teabillies are the dumbest of “dumb creatures,” and I, for one, support all laws that prohibit sexual contact between humans and Teabillies. If the Teabillies won’t get out of the gene pool, then we should forcibly remove them under penalty of law.

[source and image via Southern Fried Science]

[cross-posted at BJ (sexxxy!)]

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4 Responses to New Stupidly-Written Law in Florida is Stupidly-Written — Bans Sex?!

  1. That Guy With The Ponytail

    “Moreover, I think we can all agree that Teabillies are the dumbest of “dumb creatures,” and I for one support all laws that prohibit sexual contact between humans and Teabillies. If the Teabillies won’t get out of the gene pool, then we should forcibly remove them under penalty of law.”

    The gene pool’s been needing a shot of chlorine for some time now, hasn’t it?

  2. I have to believe this was an honest mistake because even most Creationists (at least those posting on the internet) agree that humans are animals.

  3. Its = ownership i.e. ‘The cat licked its paw.’

    It’s = It is i.e. ‘It is time to lick the cat’s paw.’

  4. and the words “owner” and “person” shall be held to include corporations, and the knowledge and acts of agents and employees of corporations
    It seems, regardless of being the same species, only those members of a species who happen to work for an animal owning corporation, or act as it’s agents are people. The rest of us, by defualt, are dumb animals and can be ‘owned’?
    They must be planning on rewriting the 3/5 person clause based on financial status in place of race.

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